Push Pull Discipline
The purpose of discipline and how to get what you want from others
What is the reason for discipline? To teach or punish? The answer seems obvious when it's written out, but in the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget that punishment isn't the ultimate goal. We want to teach our children the difference between right and wrong, good and bad.
There are two types of motivation we can use to encourage the behavior we want from our children (and our spouse, our friends, and family members). Let's talk about this in terms of management.
There's the "push" approach and the "pull" approach. One involves rewards and the other punishments.
The push approach
When you use the "push" approach, you're focusing on the punishments and disasters that can or will occur if something isn't done or isn't done correctly.
Why the push approach doesn't work
The push approach depends on fears. In fact, it creates an atmosphere where fear of failure and the fear of disappointing someone thrives. Fears hold us back. Think of the phrase push through the fear
. Have you ever heard it worded let the fear push you
? Likely not, because fear usually pushes us to do the wrong things.
The pull approach
The "pull" approach focuses on the rewards and benefits of success. Coaxing your children (or significant other) with rewards—not necessarily things—will teach them not to be afraid to disappoint you because of some expected punishment.
How to implement the pull approach
- Offer incentives and rewards for the behaviors you want to encourage
- Make the rewards meaningful
- Follow through. Never promise a reward and then take it away because of something else.
Real world examples
This all sounds great, but how do you use the "pull" method of discipline in your own life? Let's talk real world examples.
Susie has a messy room. Her mom wants the room clean, but little Susie would rather play with her Bratz™ dolls and pretend nothing is wrong with her unmade bed and the scattered crayons and coloring books. Susie loves to eat popcorn and watch television with her mommy and daddy.
Mom has the option to push Susie into cleaning her room, by threatening to take away Susie's Bratz™. Mom also has the option to pull Susie in the direction Mom wants Susie to go. Mom can offer to pop some popcorn later when it's tv watching time and sit down with Susie to watch tv together, if, and only if, Susie cleans her room.
Which method do you think is going to have the best chance of working on Susie?
The caveat here is that you must choose a reward that appeals to your child (spouse, family member, or friend). Meaningless rewards won't work. Give your children reasons to chose to do what you want. And if Mom already has a ritual of eating popcorn with Susie, then the offer of popcorn if Susie cleans her room is not a true reward, because the implication is that if Susie doesn't clean her room, she'll be punished by having that ritual taken away from her.
Does your husband love a certain difficult to cook meal? Offer to cook that meal for him if he'll do the grocery shopping for you this week.
Do your students listen when you teach? Tell them you'll be giving a test after the lesson and that those students who do well will receive fewer homework problems.
There are many ways to apply the pull method to discipline. Be creative and see if it doesn't work for you and your family.
Follow through. The single most important rule for discipline.
When we don't follow through, we are teaching those who interact with us, whether it's family, friend, or acquaintance, that we can't be trusted to keep our word.
When someone has earned a reward with a certain behavior, don't take that reward away because of something else they've done. Of course, it's going to be impossible to always use the pull method, because different situations may call for different actions. However, it's never fair to take away an earned reward just because something else has come up.
Would you like if it you had earned a sales bonus which was then taken from you because you didn't finish a marketing report on time?
Finally, if there were two managers at your work and one used the "push" approach and the other used the "pull" approach, which would you rather work for?
Remember your answer when you're managing your children—or your spouse.